Finding Romance...Marriage
- Michael Dennis
- Jan 17, 2010
- Series: Finding Romance In Complex Relationships
This morning we are going be in Genesis 2 and over the next few weeks we are going to look to the Bible to have a better understanding of marriage, and maybe a little romance because relationships are tough. They can be awesome, but they can also be tough. Marriage is a big deal to God. Scripture teaches us that our marriages affect our spiritual life. Over the last 12 years of counseling couples, officiating marriages, and helping couples resolve conflict I can assure you the Scriptures give us a great amount of wisdom to having healthy romantic marriages because sometimes it can be difficult to find a little romance, huh?
When you first meet someone there is a ton of romance and excitement. Sometimes you are just excited someone notices you and likes you. Your voice cracks, you try on all those outfits, you talk to your friends, and you finally work up enough courage to go on a date and on the date you have so much fun. There’s that moment where your hands touch and there’s electricity! She thinks he is funny, ambitious, and focused on goals. He finds her to be intelligent, witty, and has her own opinion.
After many conversations you are both smitten. That 60 minute dinner went so well you thought, “I could do that for 60 years.” Ah, romance. You dated, engaged, got jobs, got married, making money, and life looks great. However, over time it seems like things start to change a little. You start to notice some things you didn’t see before. This time his ambition comes across more as arrogance. Her witty comments just seem disrespectful now, and not only does she have her own opinion, but she gives her opinion on every topic. The romance starts to fade a little and then you add children into the equation and it gets more complicated. He mysteriously has to start working late, joins every softball league, and she starts maxing out credit cards, and romance begins to fade.
Our education teaches us how to make money, to be responsible, how to make friends, but it doesn’t teach us about marriage and romance. I know it may seem like we invented romance in high school with our friends, or that we find it in movies with Meg Ryan, but the Bible speaks to romance and marriage and over the next few weeks we are going to talk about sex, husbands, and wives, and its going to be a lot of fun. This morning we are going to start in Genesis 2, so just open your Bibles and turn the page.
I will give us a little background on Genesis while you are finding chapter 2. Genesis is the first book in Scripture and is described as the book of beginnings and describes the beginning of creation, life, death, and the purpose of Genesis is to teach us about God. Sometimes people see a contrast between Genesis 1 and 2 and claim there are two different accounts of humanity, however, Genesis 1 is much more a cosmic description of all of creation and in Genesis 2 the focus zeroes in on humanity and gives us a more detailed description of God’s most precious creation, humanity. We are going to start in verse 18 of Genesis 2.
18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."
Genesis 1 teaches us that male and female are both created in the image of God and in chapter 2 we get details about men and women and the Lord God says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Notice is it is God who says it, it is before sin in Genesis 3, it is when Adam is in perfect union with God and God concludes it is not good for man to be alone. It is in these moments that the unity of marriage is being created.
When men and women get married and become one flesh they are entering into a covenant of marriage with one another and it isn’t roommates, it isn’t friends, and it isn’t dating. It is a supernatural covenant of marriage designed by God. It is difficult, challenging, but it is a covenant in marriage of commitment, which is intended to last a lifetime. There are a few exceptions when divorce takes place, but it isn’t the norm. Nobody stands at the alter on their wedding day and thinks, “I can’t wait until we get divorced one day.” It is intended to last a lifetime and it is given the symbol of a ring because it is a circle that never ends as these two become one so that they might more fully glorify God.
Our culture today sees marriage as outdated, unnecessary, but in the opening account of creation God, teaches us it is a good thing. Notice at the end of verse 18 that it says, “I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
When we see the phrase “helper suitable for him” it could make us feel uneasy, but we need to look at it through the lens of Scripture. Did you know throughout Scripture God is described as a helper? Specifically in Psalms and Hebrews and in John Jesus describes the Holy Spirit as helper. It might have a negative connotation in our minds, but in Scripture the role of helper is the same description of God. When God helps us He isn’t becoming less, He retains His glorious deity, but steps into the role of helper. The woman is described as helper in the sense that the two have become one in marriage and God has designed the woman to undergird the mission and purpose of the marriage.
That is a high calling in marriage. Our culture will tell us that role is less valuable, demeaning, not important, however, Scripture teaches us that role is immeasurably valuable to God.
It also teaches that she is “suitable” for Adam. That means the wife we have in marriage is the wife that Jesus thought was the most helpful and suitable for us. It means she compliments you. Proverbs teaches us that he who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Our marriages may feel complex at times, but God created marriage to be a good thing and He will bring a spouse into your life to make you better. You should have seen me before I got married. It was just sad. Holly has made me a better person. Now I can sometimes carry on a conversation, I am not as harsh, I eat other foods besides Taco Bell, people actually want to spend time with me…it’s still more for Holly, but I get to pick up some of the garbage time and have friends. When the two of us came together we became better people. God’s intent is that we come together in marriage so that we might more fully live for His glory.
The last phrase is “for him” and when we look at Scripture it teaches us there are roles for the husbands and wives. Both of those roles are important, equally valuable, but that we have different roles in marriage and for some reason God decided the hairy would lead and the smooth one would compliment. It doesn’t means the wife doesn’t have a voice. It doesn’t mean the husband does what he wants. It means the woman helps him lead their family to the glory of God because your husband needs help. It doesn’t mean he is stupid or incapable, but that he needs help. God saw this in Genesis 2. This guy is going to need some help. He has given us a high calling in our marriage and we need to work together. That means she is smart, educated, involved in making decisions, creative, insightful and a smart husband will consult the wife that God gave him to help him.
I involve Holly on every decision we make. Holly is really smart and helpful. We talk about our finances, our purchases, our kids, and when she speaks I listen to her. Jesus has given her to me so I listen and because Jesus gave us different roles it means her role is to help and my role is to be held accountable for those decisions we make as a family. That means one day as a husband I am going to stand before Jesus and He is going to hold me accountable for what happened in our marrage. I am going to look over to Holly and He is going to say, “No, she fulfilled her role. She helped you.” As the husband I am going to be held accountable.
In verse 18 we also see that it is not good for man to be alone, the wife is a good thing, given by Jesus, to help the family live for His glory. He continues in verse 19.
19 Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.
It is odd that after God concludes man needs a helper that He brings him every beast of the field, that is odd, but perhaps as Adam was considering each animal he becomes aware of his uniqueness and as a result his loneliness. Fortunately animals didn’t do the trick and there is a longing for companionship. Verses 19-20 also shows us humanity is involved in creation and God gives attributes of authority to Adam and Eve to name creation. That is important because God begins to show us our responsibility. He is showing us the mission. He gives humanity authority, value, and purpose, to care for all of creation. It shows us from Genesis 2 that God is wanting to involve humanity in what He is doing. Marriage isn’t something created by culture, for us to make a lot of money, have kids, and die, but so that we might come together and more fully bring glory to God.
21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.
Notice the woman is taken from Adam’s ribs. It isn’t from his feet to show less value, his head to show more value, but from his ribs, from his own flesh to show they are both of equal value. Peter in the New Testament teaches us women are to be shown honor as a fellow heirs to the grace of life. Equal in value, different in roles. Genesis 1 tells male and female were created in the image of God and given the same mission to be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and bring glory to Him, same mission, different roles. She isn’t out front leading the charge, she isn’t a doormat that gets pushed around, and they are side by side of equal value filling different roles.
When we neglect these roles we are going to hinder our marriage, we are going to hinder the romance, and the husband is going to check out emotionally, spiritually, physically. The wife is going to be frustrated because she doesn’t know how to help. The husband is going to feel discouraged because he isn’t leading anything, but when we function in the roles God has created for us in marriage we are going to see some excitement and romance.
Notice the picture that is described in verse 22 of a wedding taking place in the garden. God brings her to the man. Husbands do you remember that moment in your wedding when the door opened, everybody stood up, and I remember the feeling of my wife giving herself to me and I couldn’t believe it. I knew me…and I couldn’t believe someone like her was giving herself to me. Verse 21-22 is a wedding ceremony and God makes her, gives her to Adam, not as a possession to be abused or neglected, but as a treasure and Adam is entrusted with God’s creation. It is a powerful image. Husband and wife becoming one and I know that husbands and wives have experienced pain, hardship, some have experienced divorce, but that is a result of the sin described in chapter 3. God created marriage to be something amazing! Look at how man responds in verse 23.
23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of Man."
Man responds in song, breaks out in poetry, she is his muse, and he is in love. This is candlelight, roses, little Lionel Richie playing in the background, “Ladie…”. This is good stuff. This is before sin, there is no manipulation, no agenda, no hidden meaning, just pure holy response of affection. He names her, not out of dominion, but out of affection, just as husbands give their wives affectionate names like snookie-bear, sweetie, pumk’n, you got to have a name that is just for affection and when it is used, you both know time it is. Look at verse 24.
24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
What is the reason in verse 24? The reason is a wife and this is a good reason. It is not good for man to be alone and his friends are great, but a wife is so much better than a friend. Have you seen a single guy start to show interest in woman? He gets a job so he can have money to take her on dates, stops playing video games all day with his friends, wants to get his own place, starts writing love notes, starts reading his bible, helping out in the children’s ministry, “Oh, were you working in here today…I didn’t know.” It is Extreme Makeover, Man Edition. Verses 24-25 are described as leave and cleave as they leave their mother and father and cleave to one another to become one flesh. Leaving physically, emotionally, and financially to cleave to one another in marriage.
Scripture describes it as one flesh. This is the image we need to have of our spouses. We are one flesh. We aren’t trying to hurt each other. We are working toward one goal. We might hurt each other sometimes, but we reconcile, we resolve, we communicate through conflict like we will talk about in a couple of weeks. Holly and I have had those moments when we have worked against each other and we apologize to one another, confess to one another and we remind each other that we are on the same team. Husbands can help a lot in this area when we function in our roles as leading the family. Leave and cleave. Become your own family. When we lead spiritually, emotionally, financially, our wives will know how to help we will see less conflict and confusion in the family. The husbands don’t need to be the smartest, or make the most money, but they need to set the pace spiritually and once-a-week open up the Bible and read together as a family. Pray together as a family. Set the pace financially and talk about your goals financially and what you are trying to accomplish and why. Get her input, pray about it, but make a decision and then go after that decision as one flesh and wives when you make that decision as a family then help make it happen. Set the pace emotionally and see where she is discouraged, encouraged, and help her process those feelings. A lot of our conflict comes out of not playing as a team and being one flesh.
Verses 18-25 describe that foundational beginnings of marriage. Verse 25 has every male’s favorite verse in the Bible of being naked and not ashamed, but we are going to talk about sex next week. This week we are talking about marriage and I have 5 points of application for us as we end our time.
Relationship With Jesus: We have to have a relationship with Jesus if we are going to make it in marriage. Until Jesus is central it is going to be an uphill climb. You have two people going in two different directions. We need to start with a relationship with Jesus.
Roles: We need to function in our roles. That is why we are going through this series so we can explore the roles more fully and function in them more effectively. Genesis 3 teaches us both sides will resist those roles. The husband will want to avoid responsibility. The wife will want to control. When you look at our shows on television they show men as idiots and women as dictators. There is a reason that most of our marriages end in divorce and it is largely because we have men who aren’t leading and women who aren’t being helpful. We need to know our roles and function in our roles.
Commitment: Even though we hurt each other, and we do, there has to be commitment to each other. You can’t threaten divorce when you get in fights. If you want to cause an emotional wreck for your children then let them hear you threaten each other with divorce. It will wreck them. If it comes out of your mouth then you apologize as quick as possible.
Communication: Talking. Married couples need to talk. There is level 1 communication which is what you do to the cashier at the Exxon as you exchange social greetings. There is level 2 communication that you exchange with a co-worker, neighbor, or a buddy, but in marriage you want to see level 3 communication. You talk about life, dreams, ambitions, fears, and you connect. You look each other in the eye and listen. I know some of they guys want to beat me up right now, but if we want a strong marriage we need to talk. It doesn’t come easy to me. I am introverted and if we are in a conversation I would much rather neither one of us talk, but when you fell in love with your spouse it was because when you talked there was a connection. I know kids make it impossible so you need to have dates. You can bring the kids sometimes, but sometimes you need to get a baby sitter and go out on dates. No friends, no movies, make the dinner at home and make it to go if you need to, but you need to connect and talk again. Not about work, not about the neighbors, not about the children, but about what’s going on inside your heart. You have those moments and they will fill your heart. You will be more loving to each other, more gracious, you will pick up his shoes again because you love him, you will kiss her again because you love her. You need those moments. Did you know I never wanted to get married because I thought it would get boring. I got bored with girlfriends after a week so marriage seemed out of the question, but marriage doesn’t get boring because Holly isn’t the same girl I married in 1999. She has grown as a person because when you are connected to Jesus and Scripture we experience transformation. We grow as people. She’s not the same she was in January 2009 and when you take those moments of communication you see that transformation.
Romance: We fell in love because of romance. Nobody got married because he was good at fixing things or she could organize a grocery list. You got married because you looked at each other and your hearts melted. Then it happened as an instinct and now sometimes it needs to be done out of discipline. It’s okay to put on some makeup, some lip gloss, its okay to shave, put on some deodorant and pursue romance. Find out what communicates love to them and do it. Read the 5 Love Languages. My wife says she has all of them so I have plenty of opportunities. Listen we can be stubborn and think we should wait for it, want it to just happen, it should be natural, but if you are waiting for romance when you have a couple of kids, schedules, work, house, friends, then you are going to be waiting for romance for a long time. It is okay to plan romance if you need to. Put on a calendar to remind yourself to do something romantic every week. Sometimes we need to plan for romance.
These are just some starter points as when it comes to marriage, but I can tell you the most important is to involve Jesus in our marriages. Sometimes we just turn to Jesus in the midst of stress, but Jesus needs to be at the center. We need to commit to Jesus, commit to one another, involve some communication, some romance, and we need to protect our marriages.
Scripture teaches us that if we want to have a healthy church we simply need to look at the example of the marriage. I pray that Jesus builds in our church a place of healthy and strong marriages. Not perfect marriages, but couples who are committed to Jesus, to one another, to communication, and romance.