Finding Romance...Husband
- Michael Dennis
- Feb 7, 2010
- Series: Finding Romance In Complex Relationships
This morning we are going to continue our series on Finding romance. We have looked at a biblical understanding of marriage, sexuality, conflict and this morning we are going to look at the role of a husband. All of this is coming from Genesis 2-3 and from the very beginning of Scripture we see God has a great concern for our marriages because they were created by God to be a good thing. This morning specifically we are going to look at the role of the husband and next week we are going to look at the role of the wife.
I remember when I waited tables through college I could tell the married couples from the dating couples and it was obvious from the moment they walked in. One couple would be all dressed up, hair styled, and he would pull out her chair, wait for her to sit down, she would giggle at all his stories and they would just talk over dinner, holding hands across the table.
Another couple would walk in and she’s on the phone, he sits facing ESPN, and if they talked, because some of the older couples would sit in silence, it was about different problems they are trying to solve. Which one is the dating couple?
Most married couples have lost romance. It started off so romantic. What happened! When they first met he would chase after her, calls her, take her on dates, woo her with his charm, court her, opens doors, insists she give more details to her story about going to the mall with her friends. He loves every minute of it and then somehow, after the wedding, something happens. It isn’t immediate, but over time he starts to get distracted. He chased after his prize and got it and overtime he finds himself chasing after other things like his job, his relationship with the children, his hobbies, and slowly the wife starts to feel like she has been reduced to the mother of his children, the maid of his house, and the mistress in the bedroom. What happened?
Sometimes in our marriages we get so frustrated at the husbands because we think, “Was it a trick, where’s the excitement, the romance, the passion!” What happened to the romance, the love, the excitement? This morning we are going to look at Genesis 3 and find out why this happens.
You remember in Genesis 1-2 that God created us to be in a loving relationship with one another, intimate, fruits, naked, however, in Genesis 3 we see sin enter the equation and distort that relationship and that distortion happens on a macro level where it affects all of humanity and creation but Scripture also teaches us how it affects us as men and women on a micro level will create frustration in our marriages.
Specifically for the husband when God created Adam He created Him to cultivate and care for the garden. He had a job, a responsibility, and it was a divine responsibility of stewardship, however, when sin enters into humanity it results in frustration. Look at Genesis 3:17:
17 Then to Adam He said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, 'You shall not eat from it'; Cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. 18 "Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you; And you will eat the plants of the field; 19 By the sweat of your face You will eat bread, till you return to the ground, because from it you were taken; for you are dust,and to dust you shall return."
Verse 17 starts off and sounds a little offensive, but who were Adam and Eve suppose to listen to? God and Eve listened to the serpent, and Adam listened to Eve and it resulted in disobedience. As verse 17 continues it explains that which was originally good has now become broken and distorted, and the land that was previously a blessing has now become difficult.
The land is no longer flourishing in growth, but now through sin there are droughts, and floods, unpredictable, and you have to work for every meal. There will be thorns, sweat, and it will be constantly difficult, frustrating, and working against us. Sometimes we don’t see this because we can just go to Jack In The Box, but even though we aren’t an agricultural economy any longer it is still difficult.
The moment we wake up we are fighting it. When the alarm goes off we have kids screaming for food, so when we get out of bed we stub our toe on the corner, when we get in the shower our spouse used all the hot water, we will spill coffee on our shirt as we walk out the door to get in our car that has a flat tire. We will show up to work late and find out the server is down so we can’t check email, when the phone rings it is co-workers calling in sick, so we have more work to do and miss lunch, and after working through lunch we have to leave early because we have a dentist appointment because we need a root canal because our teeth are falling apart. We get home to kids screaming, so we start to make dinner, but then our parents call to tell us about their doctor appointment, and while we are on the phone we burn the chicken, so we get the kids in the bath and they start fighting, and as we finally get to the kids to bed we look to our spouse and realize we have to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. Genesis 3:17…you didn’t know you were so biblical!
Scripture teaches us this is the result of sin in Genesis 3 and as a result we would live in a world of constant frustration. Which at first glance sounds really mean, but God allows this frustration so that we come to the end of ourselves, so that we don’t do it on our own, so that we do get frustrated, so that we see sin brings frustration, and instead of running toward sin we would run towards Jesus Christ.
Some of us are still stubborn. Instead of relenting and seeing the frustration we see it as a challenge, dig our heals in and convince ourselves we can make it work. We tell ourselves that we don’t need God and we will do it without Him. Some of us do that with our words and some of us do it with our heart, and this morning we are going to see in Scripture that Jesus came to bring an end to that frustration. He came to resolve Genesis 3:17 and we are going to see two illustrations in Scripture specifically for the husband in marriage. The first one comes from the Apostle Peter in 1 Peter chapter 3:
In 1 Peter 3:7, “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
The main phrase in this passage that sticks out to people is “understanding way, as with someone weaker”. The word “weaker” in the original language is better understood as fragile or precious. Mentally this is how we see our wives and we live with them in an understanding that they are precious, fragile, valuable, and different.
Just as a side note there are some will teach that Scripture makes less of women and treats them as property, however, throughout Scripture women are elevated to places of position. In the OT Ruth is left to die in a foreign country and the gospel elevates her to a place of position. In the NT Jesus interacts with women constantly to show a place of position. In Genesis it teaches us male and female are both created in the equally in the image of God. In 1 Peter it teaches husbands are to cherish their wives and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life and if it doesn’t it will hinder his spiritual life. That means when the husband abuses, neglects, hurts, abandons, his wife that God turns from that husband until he repents. The gospel loves women and goes into a culture and brings value, purpose, and meaning into the life of women. Just a side note.
So we look at 1 Peter and we see that it teaches the husband to live with his wife in an understanding way and from the beginning that sounds like that is going to end in frustration. Husbands will not naturally live with their wives in an understanding way. We will treat them like a younger brother and try to wrestle with them, they will bark orders to them like a co-worker, we will say sarcastic comments like a friend, but we don’t naturally live with them in an understanding way.
The gospel teaches on our own this will end in frustration every time, but when we meet Jesus through faith, draw close to Him, we will experience Him living with us in an understanding way. Scripture says He was tempted in every way, He entered into human history, took on the role of a servant, stepped out of the heavenlies, was tired, hungry, sleepy and He understands we are weaker and more fragile. He created us. When He showed up Scripture refers to Him as the bridegroom and us, the church, as the bride, and He doesn’t throw his weight around, He doesn’t intimidate, He doesn’t abuse, He doesn’t yell at us, but instead continually comes along side us in patience and grace in a loving way.
As husbands we don’t live with our wives in an understanding way by trying really hard, but through drawing close to Jesus in relationship with Him. When this happens we will experience some practical ways to respond to our wives in an understanding way. This morning I came up with a few examples of what this might look like in our marriages:
This means when they speak we will find ourselves listening to them. We will listen to them because we have been talking to Jesus and He has been listening to us.
Sometimes I will be so quick to not listen. I will cut her off, get to the point, tell her there are too many details. Jesus doesn’t do that to us. Jesus doesn’t say c’mon. He listens. We think it makes us look smart to give an answer before they finish the question and Proverbs teaches that it is folly and shame to give an answer before you hear you the question. It doesn’t make us look smart, it makes us look rude. I have noticed when I listen to Holly it fills her tank, when we go out to dinner and she tells me about her play dates with the kids, her conversations with her mom on the phone, what she’s learning in Scripture and I just say, “Tell me more.” She’s like puddy in my hands. I can do a lot of stupid things if when I listen to her.
Another one is tenderness. When we draw close to Jesus we see how sensitive He is to us to point out our sin in an understanding way, in love. When we experience that in Jesus we will find ourselves showing tenderness to our wives.
When we get a cut or a burn on our skin it is tender to the touch. We are mindful of how that part feels and it gets special attention. There is a way to talk to our wives, listen to our wives, how we treat them in public, we don’t talk down to them, there isn’t a harshness in our tone, and she has a husband that treats her with care.
We are tender. Sometimes females can be tricky because they have grown up in a tough world and they have built a hard exterior so they will project an image of being tough, but when they are in a marriage where they feel safe, a husband that is chasing after Jesus, a husband that they can trust, they will show you that they are just a little puppy dog. They need tenderness.
Last one is development. Remember Scripture is teaching us to live with them in an understanding way and a wife wants to know when she got married and had kids that she doesn’t feel like she threw her life away. We don’t want our wives thinking, “What could I have been before I met you?” No, we want them to blossom on marriage. Put time into it, money into it, and she is like a flower in a garden that we get to cultivate and we want to see her blossom in character, in depth with Jesus, in compassion for others, and become a more Godly woman. Holly and I have been married 10 years. You should have seen Holly before we got married? Didn’t have any friends, quiet, always picked her nose, dressed in plaid, and now look at her?
If we walk out of here thinking I need to live with my wife in an understanding way it will end in frustration, but as we draw close to Jesus who is constantly understanding we will begin to see those attributes in us.
The second illustration of how husbands should treat their wives comes from the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5.
“28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body.”
In 1 Peter Scripture gives us an illustration of wives being treated as precious and fragile and in Ephesians 5 that we are to love our wives as we love our own bodies. Again, Jesus loved us as His own and gave Himself up for us on our behalf. He didn’t just die for us, but walked along side us, and lived a life of perfection.
This passage teaches us to love our wives as we love ourselves and if we are honest this morning some of us don’t even like ourselves, much less love someone else. Sometimes we think about all that we has done and we wonder if Jesus really loves us as He loves Himself. We think we have messed up too much, we have made too many mistakes, we are too guilty, and yet throughout Scripture there are examples of murderers, adulterers, idol worshippers, prostitutes, thieves, and they all experience the forgiveness and love of Jesus.
When we don’t know the love of Jesus, when we don’t believe the love of Jesus, how could we possibly love our wives as ourselves? As husbands we must run to Scripture, run to truth, run to prayer, and fall in love with Jesus. When we do that we will start to see some practical ways to love our wives:
Help around the house. Honestly, I do a horrible job of helping around the house, but I am trying to do better. Pick up a broom, vacuum, do some dishes, take out the trash, do something. Wives if you see them do something around the house you are going to be tempted to say something like, “Well it’s about time” but resist the temptation. If your job keeps you from helping around the house then pay for a maid, but do something to help around the house, and as you experience the love of Jesus you are going to want to love your wife.
Physical touch: Another is to give her some hugs, hold her, hold hands, generally most women enjoy physical touch and Ephesians calls us to nourish and cherish her. Some of us will take hours washing and waxing our cars, oiling our guns, polishing our golf clubs, perfecting our hobby, and then we just walk past our wives and there is an absence of physical touch. You see Jesus embraces us with all of our junk and Scripture teaches us we get to be a physical picture of Jesus to our wives and embrace them.
Esteem: The last one is esteem. Esteem is when we treat someone as valuable Jesus thought we were so valuable that He gave His life for us. As a husband God has given us a unique role to affirm our wife and esteem her with beauty, her character, and her kindness and we did this when we were dating and she thought this was going to happen the entire marriage, but we get distracted and maybe we start think that we stopped loving each other. Our culture is confused on love and doesn’t understand the love that comes through Jesus. We know sentimental love that is fueled by feelings that come and go. We know sexual love, which really isn’t love, but basically two people using each other, but Jesus introduces us to a love that is efficacious, a love that affects us, and transforms us. Our marriages don’t need sexual love or sentimental love, but an efficacious love that comes through faith in Jesus Christ.
Those are two illustrations in Scripture from 1 Peter and Ephesians that give husbands the command from God to love our wives. Those examples might not apply to your wife, but either way unless we are falling in love with Jesus it will never happen. It will only be of our own effort, which will last about half a week, and ultimately end in frustration and Scripture teaches Jesus came to remove that frustration.
This morning we started in Genesis 3:17, and in Genesis 3:15 it tells us a seed is coming in the future, a seed that will crush Satan on his head. That is a foreshadowing of what is ultimately accomplished in Jesus’ work on the cross. That is in Genesis 3. Galatians 3 teaches us that seed is Jesus Christ who enters into human history to save us from Satan, sin, and death and Genesis teaches us Adam responded in disobedience but 2 Corinthians 15 refers to Jesus as the second Adam, and the second Adam responds in obedience.
In Matthew and Luke in the New Testament it teaches us that just as Satan came and tempted Adam that he also came and tempted Jesus with food, glory, power and he tells Jesus that God the Father is trying to hold out, trying to keep Him from knowing true glory, but this time, Jesus doesn’t eat from the tree, doesn’t respond in disobedience, but willingly gives Himself over as a sacrifice, what Scripture describes as a substitute on our behalf and all of God’s wrath toward sin, towards our sin, is taken out on Jesus as a substitute. He stands in our place and He takes all of our sin and as Jesus is dying on the cross and takes His last breath He says, “It is finished!” Do you know why? It is done. We simply need to run to Him and through faith our sin is accounted.
Three days later He rose from the dead, He overcame sin, He overcame death, and He ascended back into heaven and Scriptures teach us one day He will come again.
This morning I want to ask Tanner to come up and continue to lead us in worship and for us to take a moment to go to Jesus now. Maybe some of us can meet Him for the first time. Maybe we need to come to Him in confession. Our marriages are important and He didn’t leave us here to do it alone. We can come to Him!