Finding Romance...Conflict
- Michael Dennis
- Jan 31, 2010
- Series: Finding Romance In Complex Relationships
This morning we are going continue our series on Finding Romance. We started off talking about marriage and last we talked about a biblical understanding of our sexuality, which was a lot of fun. However, this morning we are talking about something not as exciting…conflict.
We have all had those moments where we feel depleted of energy, we are tired, we are hungry, our tank is empty, and yet we have to keep going. We have to make another sales call, pick up the children, make dinner, study for a test, pick a friend up and we may not necessarily want to, but we have to keep moving forward and it is in those moments that we will often find ourselves in the midst of conflict.
Before we know it our boss calls us, we get an email, our kids scream in our ear, someone cuts us off while we are driving, and we snap. For some of us it is unnoticeable, it is in our hearts on a small level, for some it comes to the surface with an expression on our face, or a tone in our voice, and for some it comes bubbling over the surface and our eye starts to twitch, our heart starts to race, and we go crazy. We have all had those moments, especially if we are married, and sometimes it comes on so sudden we wonder, “Where did that come from?”
Scripture teaches us it wasn’t always this way. It teaches us in the beginning everything was created by God, created to be good, and created in a loving relationship. Scripture teaches us in Genesis 3 a cosmic conflict entered into human history where we see the introduction of a serpent and Revelation tell us the serpent is Satan. It tells us he is “more crafty” than any beast of the field and instead of affirming what God has taught Adam and Eve in chapter 2 Satan distorts and twists it so that sin enters into the equation. Notice the result of sin in verse 7:
7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. 8 They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 Then the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, "Where are you?" 10 He said, "I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself."
Remember in chapter 2 they were in a loving intimate relationship with God and with one another eating fruits and berries, naked, unashamed, and yet after they eat from the tree it says in verse 7 “the eyes of both of them were opened”. Before verse 7 they were in an age of innocence and Satan whispers into their ear that God can’t be trusted, that God is holding something back, God is trying to keep them from experiencing life, which is what Satan whispers into our ear today. He tempts us to do it, try it, God isn’t real, He doesn’t matter, and it will be so much fun!
Verse 7 tells us their eyes are opened to good and evil, they see they are naked, they see their bodies and in that moment shame, lust, hate, jealousy, envy all come rushing in and their only response is to run, hide, and cover themselves. Satan made it sound like it would be so much fun, so much better, but they immediately go from peaceful loving relationships with one another, without shame, to trying to cover and hide their shame.
Notice in verse 8 that they hear the sound of the Lord walking in the cool of the garden. He is right there with them as He previously was in a loving relationship, but this time they hide in the bushes. This is the first time man’s understanding of God is distorted. There is guilt, condemnation, separation, and the Lord God calls out to them, “Where are you?” Now seeing how this is God speaking I am pretty sure He knows where they are. Like playing hide and go seek with a 2-year old hiding behind a table and just giggling because they are convinced you can’t see them. We laugh at Adam, but we do that with our sin sometimes don’t we? You can’t see what I am doing. This is my little secret. Notice God doesn’t condescend, doesn’t yell, doesn’t belittle, but looks to draw Adam out in love and compassion.
From the moment humanity responds in disobedience and shame enters into the equation we see God tirelessly dedicating Himself to restoring the relationship and draw humanity out from the shame and back into relationship with Himself. There has been supernatural cosmic conflict and humanity has offended a holy and righteous God. Adam and Eve know it is offensive because they are hiding and they are hoping God will just ignore their physical and spiritual condition. Today we want Him to just act like it never happened, just ignore it, overlook it, just forgive and forget, but God knows what the relationship could be and instead wants to draw us out and resolve the conflict.
Notice Adam response. I heard you, I was afraid, so I hid. This is what sin does. It creates shame, guilt, and separation between us, and God, so that we are constantly running and hiding and hoping that it will just go away, however. Scripture teaches us that God didn’t leave us in that state of conflict. He didn’t leave us hiding behind the bushes, but that He ultimately resolved all conflict in Jesus Christ’s work on the cross so that today we can have healthy conflict with one another in our marriages and our relationships so that we can have healthy conflict.
Some see all conflict as bad and unhealthy, but until heaven we are going to have conflict and through Jesus we can have healthy conflict. When conflict reveals itself in our marriage it can reveal itself in different ways.
In some marriages both couples are type A personalities and they are going to hit heads a lot. They both know the right way to do things and it’s their way. If we were to ask this couple for examples of conflict in marriage they would probably say, “From this morning or yesterday?”
Sometimes there is Type A and a Type B personality in relationships and from the outside it looks like an absence of conflict, a peaceful relationship and everyone is happy, but really that is just one spouse running over the other one and that isn’t healthy either. In a marriage we want both spouses participating. It will avoid conflict at first, but slowly, over time, that spouse will start pulling away from the marriage and the relationship and in 2, 5, 10 years there is going to be a giant chasm. So this morning our objective isn’t to necessarily avoid conflict but to have healthy conflict.
Some people have different reactions to conflict and handle it in different ways so to help us get started talking about conflict I created some categories for us to identify where we might connect and probably on some level we all have some combination of all these:
There is the avoider: This person avoids conflict at all costs. Adam does this as he is hiding in the bushes. If conflict happens they avoid the subject, what are you talking about, I’m fine, and if pressed they will literally start to walk the other way. They are usually peacekeepers, generally optimistic, and in the midst of conflict just assume it didn’t happen.
There is the confronter: Who for some strange reason enjoys conflict. Enjoys the tension. It makes them feel alive and they can feel the blood pumping. Their brain doesn’t lock up in conflict they tend to process better and faster in conflict. When they are pressed they can often intimidate, bully, or push their way through conflict.
There is the victim: This person always feels neglected, overlooked, hurt, and even if they are responsible for the conflict they will somehow turn the responsibility around on other people. They are always innocent. When they are pressed they tend to respond in an emotional range of crying to anger to bitterness trying to find the one emotion that gets people to feel sorry for them to deflect conflict.
There is the deflector: This person always manages to deflect the responsibility of the conflict on someone else. Adam does this later on in chapter 3. He tells God, “It’s the woman you gave me.” Like a little kid, “They did it first.” It’s the spouse, the boss, the children, the government and someone else is always at fault. If all else fails they can just conclude with the immortal response, “Well, they are just stupid.” Again deflecting the conflict away from themselves.
On some level we all have some combination of all of these attributes and at its base level it is all just a form of a fig leaf. We are like Adam and Eve covering up and hiding ourselves for self-protection and self-preservation and this morning we aren’t going to be able to always avoid conflict, but we can learn how to have healthy conflict where we see it, identify it, learn from it, and grow. We want to learn how to fight clean and this morning we are going to look at 3 points of application to help us remember to fight clean. This applies in our marriages, as well as in our personal relationships with friends so even if you are single you can apply these today.
Avoid Reacting to Conflict: All of us are going to find ourselves at a place in our marriage where we are tired, depleted, tense, and we are going to say something that hurts our spouse. It doesn’t make it acceptable, but it is going to happen and often times when it happens we can just react. When we react in conflict we are mirroring the offense that was made to us. It becomes like a tennis match going back and forth. It starts with a comment, then a slamming door, then walking out, then crying, then yelling, and then throwing things. It is exhausting. Sometimes it goes back and forth so much that it just becomes a tangled mess of Christmas lights that you just want to throw away at the end of the year.
When we are in the midst of conflict we don’t want to mirror conflict, we want to mirror Scripture. It’s hard not to react to the conflict because we feel violated, offended and take it on as our moral duty for their offense to be held in judgment, and we can’t let them get away with such lawlessness, but listen to how Scripture describes conflict.
1 Peter 2, “23 and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;
Peter is describing Jesus’ work on the cross and as people walked past Him, called Him names, yelled at Him, He doesn’t respond to the conflict. Can you imagine Jesus on the cross being spat upon and then spitting back saying, “I am up here right now, but when I get done, I am going to take you outside and open up a can!”
Some of us are going to push back at this point and say, “Yeah, but that’s Jesus.” Scripture tells us He was tempted in every way and what allows Jesus to not return insult for insult is ultimately because He knew the love of the Father. This is the gospel. He knew He was completely loved by the Father.
For many of us we feel alone, we feel neglected, and we live in constant defense mode ready to spring to attack. Like a little landmine waiting to blow up! As soon as someone triggers us we attack back. We have been beaten down by life and we feel alone, empty, rejected, and it is all up to us.
However, the gospel tells us we are not alone. The gospel teaches us we are loved by the creator of the universe. The gospel teaches us that He chased after us, even when we were running away from Him, that He died for us even when we were spitting on Him. The gospel teaches us His love is so deep, so wide, and so high that it fills every crevasse, every nook, every crack of our soul and we are completely loved by Him.
What slander could I say that is greater than the love of the Father? What names could I call you that are greater than being named a child of God? What offense could I cause that is greater than His protection? Jesus knew He was completely loved by the Father.
It will be difficult. My wife and I got to experience it this week, but in the midst of conflict we can cling to the gospel and resist the temptation to react to the conflict.
Resolve to Resolve: In our relationships we tend to cut and run pretty quickly. We don’t like to resolve conflict, but avoid conflict. Our words are like giant swords just swinging around taking shots at people and we are cutting off each others legs, arms, ears, toes, and instead of helping them pick up their toe we just cut and run. Sometimes, in our culture, at best we will offend, our swords will come out and just start cutting off limbs and instead of resolving the offense we just resolve to not talk for a period of time. If it is just a small wound then we take a week or two off. If it is more serious then we take longer and then we return afterwards and never talk about it. We walk around each other with missing limbs, toes, and ears and never talk about it. We just act like it never happened. As a result we are just a bunch of people hobbling around trying not to lose another limb.
When it comes to our marriages we have to resolve conflict. When God calls out to Adam He is looking to resolve conflict. When Jesus enters into human history he is resolving conflict and in our marriages we can’t take 2 weeks off, month off, we can’t pull out the silent treatment, we can’t move to different sides of the house. We have to learn to resolve conflict and experience peace in our home.
Proverbs says it like this, “Better is a dish of vegetables where love is than a fattened ox served with hatred.” When our children hear our conflict they don’t know what to do with it. I can tell you if we want to wreck our kids emotionally then remove all peace. Let them see us conflict, let them hear our tones, call names, slam doors, in some cases see physical abuse, and never let them see it resolved so that they just grow up in a house of tension. I have worked with 20 year olds for the last 15 years and it doesn’t matter if they went to a great school, if they had sex before marriage, drank alcohol, their group of friends, type of music they listened to…what mattered was the type of relationship their parents had with one another. What mattered was the peace they experienced in the home and if we resolve to resolve we can experience a peaceful home.
Scripture teaches us our peace comes through the blood that was shed at the cross and it is a peace that is described in Genesis 2 before this cosmic conflict. It is what Israel refers to as Shalom. Israel used this word to explain how the world should be when the messiah will come and restore creation to what it was intended to be. It is at the cross that our conflict is resolved. It is what allows us to have healthy conflict. It isn’t overlooked, it isn’t ignored, but the holy offense in Genesis 3 is resolved at the cross and all of us who place our faith in Jesus’ work on the cross are in a right relationship, which is healthy and loving and it is what enables us to have healthy and loving relationships with one another.
We may not be able to resolve it in the moment, but we are committed to processing, praying, and coming back to resolve the conflict.
Look Inward: We apologize in the midst of conflict. Scripture teaches us that he who humbles himself will be exalted. The fool sees sin and mocks it but the righteous look within for their own transgression. When we have conflict in our marriage we are so quick to blame and point the finger, but in any relationship it takes two people to have conflict so before we point the finger we need to look within. How did I create confusion? How did bring disappointment? Husbands need to set the pace in this area and humble ourselves to our wives and take the responsibility. Notice when God enters into the cool of the garden He calls out to Adam. Husbands need to take responsibility and lead in this area. Just as Christ humbled Himself and took the responsibility for our sin, not His but ours, Scripture calls us to love our wives as Christ loved the church and it means we don’t talk our way out of conflict.
Sometimes in our marriage I will miss this and Holly will come to me and tell me that I hurt her feelings and instead of listening, instead of accepting responsibility, I talk my way out of it. I find myself saying things like, “Oh you just heard it wrong, you are probably just tired and more sensitive than usual, you are reading into things, and I am just responding to what you said.” In my worse moments by the end of the conversation I will turn it around so that she feels like it was her fault and she is apologizing to me. That’s wrong. When we do that to our wives they don’t understand and it will create a wedge in our marriages and they will start to pull away. We need to look inward, apologize, and seek repentance. Repentance is really the key to all of conflict.
Repentance is a big Bible word that sometimes we think of as feeling sorry, bad, guilty, shame, and much of that is a misunderstanding of repentance. We have a misunderstanding of repentance when we see ourselves perfect people that make mistakes sometimes. When we are wrapped up in perfection repentance is very difficult because we are afraid that someone might find out we made a mistake, we aren’t perfect, and it is really hard! We are afraid we might disappoint God. We are afraid we might let someone down. If we are honest with ourselves many of us struggle with this skewed repentance because deep down want to be perfect. We live under constant duress that every offense, every sin, every conflict is traumatic, unnatural, and horribly threatening because someone or ourselves might find out that we aren’t perfect. If we do admit fault then we beat ourselves up, should have done better, wring our hands and emotions and tell ourselves that it won’t happen again. That is a misunderstanding of repentance.
A gospel understanding of repentance accepts we aren’t perfect, we are broken, hurting people and we are going to mess up sometimes. We don’t need to prove our remorse to God with guilt and shame, but simply accept it and receive the benefits of Christ’s work on the cross. A gospel understanding of repentance believes when Jesus died on the cross it was enough. The gospel doesn’t beat us down and we simply receive His grace.
Is there remorse, sadness, and brokenness in our repentance? Yes. But the heart motive isn’t to win back the approval of God so that He will accept us to know that we are truly sorry, but it is ultimately turn our hearts toward joy because as we see our shame, brokenness, and ugly parts it shows the greatness of the gospel. In our flaws we see how unlovely we are and how lovely He is to love us so much.
For some of us that is really hard to believe and this morning we are still hiding behind the bushes and hoping God doesn’t see how bad off we are and this morning He is calling out to us, “Where are you?” We are hoping He doesn’t see us, and He is calling out, “Where are you?” Not just part of us, the clean parts, the good parts, but all of us, to come before Him in a repentant heart because when we step out from behind the bushes we aren’t given fig leaves to cover ourselves, but we are given the righteousness of Christ and completely accepted and covered by Him.